Reasons Why Harry Potter is EMO
by WhyCantIBreathe
Summary: 8 pages of hilarious nonsense. How did I fit in evil stepsisters, mother goose rhymes, anorexia, and the Milkshake” song? I don’t know, it must be genius. The title speaks for itself. 1shot


Summary: 8 pages of nonsense. How did I fit in evil stepsisters, mother goose rhymes, anorexia, and the "Milkshake" song? I don't know, it must be genius. The title speaks for itself.

Disclaimer: PLEASE READ: **Narrator 1** is with no italic writing, and **Narrator 2** is with _italic writing_. The Bold is Head Liners. The Narrators are no one in particular, but I suppose they can be whoever you want (characters in the book, actors/actresses, random people, whoever). Rated PG-13 or...T for language and foul play. Not really. Just bad language that has to _do_ with foul play. Harry Potter, of course, belongs to me.

Author Note: I'm very excited for this story because its been finished for ages. I've just had trouble transferring it from my old computer to our new one. Looong story but...anyway its here so that's all that matters. Enjoy!

**Intro Conversation between Narrator 1 and Narrator 2**

Harry is seriously emo.

_No he isn't._

You wanna bet!

_Not really. . Arguments tend to bore me.._

He is too emo!

_Go on. Argue with yourself. It makes me laugh. _

What you're about to read is called…

**Reasons Why Harry Potter is EMO**

Let's just get right to it. Reason #1 as to why Harry is indeed emo (_He's not emo! -_ Yes he is! Now shut the fuck up!): His parents died when he was like a year old. A freakin' year old, dude! Usually if you're emo you lose your parents when you're like. . . seven, or they're divorced or some junk like that. At least by that age you're potty trained and you have all your motor skills by then.

_sarcastically: Well, then Harry must be an overachiever_. _That's not. . . "emo", that's tragic. You should be ashamed of yourself. How do you sleep at night?_

Nyquil tablets. How does anyone sleep? continues: So _theh-_en Harry was forced to live in a cupboard with his evil aunt and uncle and his evil li'l pig of a stepsister Dudley…

_Actually, he was kind of a big pig if you want to be politically correct and all. . . since Dudley ate all the bacon. Remember that one time? Even still, Dudley was Harry's male cousin, not his stepsister._

. . .for eleven years and – Wait. Try Dudders did that like . . . _every_ time, at _every_ meal. He was a SUPER PIG!

_taps fingers together impatiently Super pig?_

Yes, a super pig. Only you have to shout it, like, SUPER PIG!

_What if I don't want to?_

Dude, you have to! It's called SUPER for a reason! Anyways . . .

_You know I really wish you'd stop saying the word "dude". It's so ... American. Nevertheless.. hem hem_

IT'S UMBRIDGE! EVERYBODY, HIDE THE RUM AND LUCKY CHARMS!

_Okay there are several things wrong with the statement you just made: _

_a) That was me clearing my throat, _

_b) wrong movie **entirely**, and _

_c) children chasing a little leprechaun with magic cereal has nothing to do with Umbridge._

Oops! False alarm. Have you seen My Super Ex-Girlfriend yet?

_No. . . why?_

It looks good.

_Oh yeah? You know what else would be good? _

I'm just going to take a wild guess, but is it Lucky Charms?

_angrily: NO! YOUR - STORY!_

Oh yeah, so. . . Reason #2 . . .

_Daft, wet, moronic, stupid... _

Harry was anorexic!

_Anorexic? He didn't get to eat nearly as much as Dudley – _

Double D.

_Does that automatically make him anorexic?_

Possibly bulimic . . .

_Yes 'cos watching Dudley (the fat lard that he is) eat my food every day would make me stick my finger down _my_ throat._

. . . UNTIL THAT FATEFUL DAY! That Harry met his friend Ronald Weasley! Who is quite emo himself.

_sigh Why do I bother? Ron's about as emo as the crap the comes out of my dog's –_

Hmm, let's see. He lives in a four story, 8 bedroom SHOE with five other brother and his sister, he lives in the constant shadow of his best friend, and what else? He's dirt poor.

_They live in a house. Not a shoe. A shoe goes on your foot. A _house_ is something you live in._

What about that old Mother Goose rhyme that went on and on about that poor old woman with her thirty-something children who all lived in this tiny shoe? On top of that she had to work as a waitress down at the corner diner, volunteer at the local PTA, _and_ somehow manage to feed all of her fourteen cats that pissed and shit all over the brand new carpet. She also had awful arthritis as well. At least that's what I've heard.

_sarcastically: Fourteen cats? Arthritis? I don't quite remember that from the rhyme my mum used to tell me_. It was much...vaguer than that.

There _were_ fifteen cats but one was thrown over a cliff because they thought it was evil.

_Speaking of the devil . . . You like to get off topic, don't you?_

Well, exc_u-oo-oooose_ _me_! ahem

_And again, Ron is not emo either. He's just un – _

waves arms erratically AH-GOO-BLAH-BLEE-BLAH-BAH! That's emo and that's final!

_hand-face plant_

Anywho . . .Harry was saved the day he met Ron!

_I can't believe I'm going to ask you this, but why?_

Um . . . 'cos . . . Harry finally had a friend to be emo with?

_sarcastically: To cry on each others shoulders, share poems with, and write sad songs on an acoustic guitar?_

Yeah!

_That was . . . oh never mind._

Reason #3! Harry had several evil teachers throughout Hogwarts, causing him to be socially and permanently damaged.

_Funny . . . I only remember a few. Could you name them?_

Of course! There was Snape. You knew he was always gonna turn out evil. . . . Quirrell. I mean . . . come _on_! A turban? Who wears turbans? Lockhart was another one; Retard.

_Oh yes because you have plenty_ _of room to talk about the mentally handicapped. _Plenty_ gestures with wide-open arms of space._

Then there was that one fat guy from book six that no one remembers the name of . . .Kraken? No...who was it? Um...

_Would you like to buy a vowel?_

Horace Slughorn! And then there was Sirius!

_Who was not evil._

Yes, but everyone thought he was. I mean, who goes around slashing bed hangings with a knife to see who's there? If it was me, I would've just been like "knock, knock, are you there?" That moment reminds me of a super villain from a comic book.

_Rocky the Bed Hanging Slasher! (Addressed to audience:_ _Do I even need to say I'm being facetious? I guess for his sake I do.)_

Oh yeah, and there was . . . who else was there?

_hem hem Umbridge, maybe?_

AHHH! WHERE? Oy, you sick bastard! You sick, sick bastard! Is this how you get your kicks!

_uncovers ears You yell like a woman._

mumbling after realizing it was yet another . . . false alarm: . . . do not.

_snort_

I'll have you know I yell like a man –

_Who's just been kicked in the nuts._

Bollocks!

_Whatever you wish to call them. I don't care._

Well, I _never_! You're rather rude, you do know?

_I pride myself in that fact. The story? I'm getting a manicure later. I don't really have time for this._

Oh! Oh yes! Almost forgot. Onto reason #4: Harry is famous but hated by practically every boy and girl at school **– **

_Not true._

Except for Ron . . .

_And Hermione._

. . . and Hermione.

_Annnnd the rest of the Weasley family._

Especially Ginny. Whom he didn't like until quite recently.

_But they've broken up, yes?_

Well, sort of. Anways, that was reason #4: Harry is hated by everyone.

_"Everyone hates Harry". You wouldn't say "Harry is run over by Dudley". You'd say instead, "Dudley runs over Harry". It uses less words._

Fine. Everyone hates Harry. Reason numero sinko-day-mayo: Harry wears hoodies! All the emo kids wear them. Harry's always wearing his and he's usually got his head down as if he's ready to slice his wrists or something. I bet he listens to Simple Plan and Hawthorne Heights. Don't you think?

_I'm just gonna assume that your prescription has ran out or that your wife left you and that's why you seem deliriously stupid. Are you drunk?_

To answer all your questions at once: Yes it did; for the pastor; and not yet!

_Shelly left you for the pastor? Holy fucking crap!_

Holy? Yes. Fucking? Last I checked. Crap? You bet your sixty-dollar khaki, stain resistant Dockers pants. Now before I go drown myself in chocolate ice cream and rice pudding, let's go onto reason #6: Harry discovers his god father (Sirius Black) on the run for thirteen murders he did not commit and ends up losing him roughly two years later, Sirius being the closest thing Harry ever had to a father type figure.

_COUGHTRAGEDYCOUGH_

What was that?

_I love how you forget about Cedric's death._

I did not! I was just about to say that Cedric's death was the cherry on top.

_But Cedric died _before_ – _

I SAID CHERRY ON TOP!

_shouting: Hello! EARTH TO MORON! My ear is – RIGHT – HERE! Not five miles that a way! points_

Reason #7: Harry is emo because he cuts himself.

_Harry never cut himself._

What about the whole "I must not tell lies" junk? He was cutting words into his hand!

_Only because Umbridge made him, you daft, wet idiot!_

Yes, but he could've told Dumbledore or McGonagall! I think he secretly enjoyed it.

_mumbling: I think you secretly enjoy being an idiot_

Huh?

_Nothing._

Right! Reason #8: Harry is haunted by his awful past: the death of his parents', Cedric, Sirius, and now Dumbledore.

_Yep. . ._

So Harry is now completely alone (_except for Ron and Hermione_) and has no one to help guide him to defeat Voldemort.

_. . . you _are_ an idiot._

Reason #8 goes right along with reason #9: Harry is haunted by his future. The prophecy he has with Voldemort says – supposedly – that he has to kill You-Know-Who or die trying because for some reason –

_irritably: Evil and Good cannot exist in the same realm because it creates an imbalance. Harry has to kill or be killed. Only one can survive. Blah, blah, blah! We know all of this stuff already._

Dammit, you made me forget what I was going to say!

_I don't think I made you do that. You make yourself forget things all on your own._

What was I going to say?

_Wait, let me tap into your brain and figure it out for you._

That was a historical question. You're not supposed to answer!

_Um, you mean "rhetorical"? I hope._

Yeah. Oh I remember now. Harry is scared now because Dumbledore is the only one You-Know-Who –

_Voldemort?_

claps hands over ears AH! Don't say that!

_Don't say what?_

That!

_What! smirks Voldemort?_

Yes! Stop saying that!

_Why?_

'Cos you're not supposed to say that! It's baaad!

_My Aunt Matilda's tuna noodle casserole is bad but I still say that instead of, "My Aunt Matilda's You-Know-What is bad". _

_Ha, ha, ha! That sounds funny._

What is your deal with politically incorrect grammar? All I care is that you don't say _that_.

_Do you want me to say it again?_

NO!

_I'm gonna say it._

gasp You wouldn't!

_I'm gonna do it._

No! squeals like little girl AHHHHHHHH! lying in fetal position Please, I promise I'll be good, mommy! I'll wipe my_ own_ ass!

_I'll say it. I swear._

crying hysterically Have _mer_cy!

_I'm gonna say the "V" word._

Nooooooooooooo-OOOOOOOOO-oooooo-OOOOO-o-OOO-o-O-o-OO-oo-OO-oo-OOOOO-ooo!

_I'm gonna do it._

Wait, what were you gonna do again?

_Say "Voldemort"._

Oh. . . . AHHHH! WHY'D YOU SAY THAT!

_Are we done here?_

Oh not yet. We still have some reasons left, a conclusion, and maybe some more random dialogue.

_Oh okay. You know who I want to be for Halloween?_

No, who?

_Voldemort._

whining: Quit it! Look, you made me pee!

_scoots chair further away _

_fights urge to clear throat_

_unable to contain self, points and laughs _

_AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAA YOU PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!_

Are you quite finished?

_stops laughing, breathing heavy Alright . . . I'm through. Go on._

Reason #10 as to why Harry is emo for shizzle: Harry can't keep a girlfriend because the girls find out that he is emo because he cuts himself, so they leave him and then he ends up cutting "I will not be lame" into his other hand with a butter knife, which ends up taking a while, and then he goes to the market for some ham for Tina (his pet llama) cause they were no tacos left, and so he goes home to feed his flying llama but it's off on this trip to Cancun so Harry feels even more left out that he's stuck at home with his pig headed stepsister Duddlekins, so he cuts "I will not think dirty thoughts about Hermione and Ginny doing stuff in the Head Girls bathroom" onto his leg with a nail, which didn't take as long as the time he cut "I will not be lame" into his hand 'cos he wasn't using a butter knife, but it was a lot of writing still 'cos the sentence had . . . seventeen words in it and he really_ was_ thinking dirty thoughts about the two of them doing stuff, which made it difficult to concentrate and made his pants all tight (even though his pants were down), but when he was done, he put his pants back on, danced to the techno version of "Milkshake" by Kelis on the radio, and finished writing the sad, sad song about his dead parents.

_I think you broke a world record for longest winded and stupidest sentence of all time. Two-hundred-and-forty words of absolute nothing._

Oh thanks. That took a long time to say indeed. Wanna try saying it five times fast?

_Let's not and say that we didn't._

You're no fun!

_I'm loads of fun._

How?

_Voldemort._

AhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHhHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – (gasp)AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

_Well, as he'll surely be screaming for a good twenty minutes or so, this is the conclusion – _

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_. . . of why Harry is emo. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves –_

rips hair out Ow...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

_. . . as I wish I had. . ._

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MAKE THE VOICES STOP!

_. . . but now I'm off to my manicure. See, I've got this stubborn nail –_

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH! AH – AH - AHHHHHHH! screams stop and he is surprisingly not out of breath and calm

But I'm not done, though!

_Oh yes you are._

No I'm –

_Voldemort._

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! screaming continues

_Good night, everyone!_

screaming Narrator holds up "Cheer and Aplause" sign up and screams until you leave a review for this story

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


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